I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
