we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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