There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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