he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
