I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
