I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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