I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
