nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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