I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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