I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
