my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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