I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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