Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
