told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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