I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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