i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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