apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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