his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
