I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
