The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
