sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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