I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
where am i from again
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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