just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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