Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
