If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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