Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize