tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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