During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i've created a new STD.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
