I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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