Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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