I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
