The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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