I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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