I'm really into asian looking animals
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
