do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize