I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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