ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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