he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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