we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
