i don't like sucking hair
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
