but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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