oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
