Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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