i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
