and she was petting her beer can
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
