Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
