He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
