This is not my ceiling
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
