so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
