Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
