remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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