Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
