First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
