So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I sprained my soul last night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
