Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
