got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
love makes seman taste better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
