You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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