Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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