First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize