you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
