I haven't been this sober since birth.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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