You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
