Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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