yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize