I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
