can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
