do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
