the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
