I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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