I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
