I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
