My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
